


hold on to me, cause i'm a little unsteady

by emmalem



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, BTW, M/M, Sad ending?, and fucking communicate, and i just love their dynamic even if its not in a romantic way, cheol is happy, dino has a baby!!!, honestly, i can't write endings, if you know me you know i always love giving maknae a baby in au, it's just frustating, it's not sad, no betas we die like dumb fucks, non famous AU, sometimes the only person holding you back is yourself, soonyoung is there a lot cause he's a big part of the person jihoon is, stupid boys that don't know how to use words, that's all that matters, the boys are older here a bit, you lot are just gonna hate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26316688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmalem/pseuds/emmalem
Summary: “are you sober?” he asked straight away, because he didn’t know exactly how to skirt around it, and eggshells were never meant to be walked on, so he just did it.jihoon wanted to yell.he wanted to punch soonyoung’s face until he looked like a very colourful bird.until jihoon could his heart beating in his knuckles and nothing else in the world.jihoon wanted to shove his head through the nearest wall.but he did nothing of the sorts.he couldn’t really, not anymore. so he just answered him instead.“yeah.”[or the one jihoon has some issues he's not working through, and he will never ever in his life not be devoted to mingyu, ever.]
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Kim Mingyu & Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Kim Mingyu/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, if you squint you can catch some other pairs in there
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	hold on to me, cause i'm a little unsteady

“i’m not too entirely sure it is supposed to look like that, hyung.” seokmin barely manages to get the words out. the sound travels out of him but a decibel higher than a mere whisper, so much so that even soonyoung, who’s standing right there beside him, has trouble understanding what the boy is saying.

jihoon is standing there, face red in anger, hands shaking where they lay beside each side of him and with glistening eyes that made soonyoung almost pity him. _almost_.

the older amongst the 3 heaved a sigh.

“i’m sure no one will notice.” he lied right through his teeth.

he liked to believe that he was sensible enough now to know when to tread lightly around jihoon. although in his younger days soonyoung would be willingly walking into the sandstorm that was jihoon’s temper, he himself have been described in their high school days as nothing short of a hurricane. soonyoung liked to set powder on fire just to see the colours it would produce when they explode. he never minded much if he got scorched on the process. however, as he grew older, he came to the realisation that blisters more often than not live scars, and not everyone saw them as trophies like he did. he had no right to mar anyone else’s skin.

that and his sister had this abhorrent fear of anything child related so it had fallen upon him the duty of continuing the kwon bloodline.

(he failed to catch the wince in jun’s eyes and dino’s trembling hands when they’d heard such news, but that is a whole other story.)

“it looks absolutely awful.” the brunette said, voice seething out of his throat as if the painting in front of them. it did. for all his talent with anything musically related, jihoon was nothing short of a travesty when it came to more aesthetical displays of art.

it _was_ supposed to be a panda, however the end result was something akin to a rorschach test as it was.

soonyoung wasn’t entirely sure which one of the, aggressively, painted black blotches was supposed to the nose and the ears, but if he squinted his eyes just enough he could make out a fairly pretty butterfly.

he sprung into action as jihoon bended to pick up the paint bucket. seokmin just made a run for it, not that anyone could really blame him.

“alright we don’t wanna do that.” soonyoung coached him, by nothing short of forcing his arms down, to not empty its content at the poor crippled redemption of the animal he had made on the banner.

“you hate it as well!” jihoon yelled, inconsiderate of how close he was to soonyoung and how high his voice could go. the blonde flinched but paid it no mind.

“it can be fixed.” _i hope_.

jihoon shook his head letting go of the bucket and turning around. had it not been for one of soonyoung’s hands already grasping at the top and his quick reflexes they’d pollock all over jeonghan’s floor and he could bet his life that he would appreciate it much less than he would whatever post-modernist take jihoon was about to do at the drawing soonyoung wasn’t entirely sure he could legally call panda.

“why are you acting up?” he asked with a flat tone, hoping to god that this too wouldn’t be considered picking up a fight, although as it was, everything seemed to be that day.

“shut up.” the ravenette grumbled back, through the fingers he was in the process of harming on his mouth. 

“jihoon…” soonyoung was tired. this wasn’t even about him and he was absolutely exhausted, he could but imagine how his friend was feeling. holding onto knives with his bare hands because no one really taught him how to hold their stilts.

he wasn’t entirely sure jihoon knew he wasn’t supposed to be hurting all the time. that pain wasn’t what made him be alive. 

but then again, he reckoned, he wouldn’t know how to measure any other way.

“are you sober?” he asked straight away, because he didn’t know exactly how to skirt around it, and eggshells were never meant to be walked on, so he just did it.

jihoon wanted to yell.

he wanted to punch soonyoung’s face until he looked like a very colourful bird.

until jihoon could his heart beating in his knuckles and nothing else in the world.

jihoon wanted to shove his head through the nearest wall.

but he did nothing of the sorts.

he couldn’t really, not anymore. so he just answered him instead.

“yeah.” 

luckily enough he had his back turned on soonyoung, so he didn’t catch the way his eyebrows knitted further together. the way his jaw clenched even more. it wasn’t that soonyoung didn’t believe him, but it was just that this wasn’t supposed to go this way.

he was pretty sure that it wasn't supposed to be a freight train smashing its way through walls, and hills, and trees.

it wasn’t supposed to make it all so more miserable than the opposite of healing was.

they stayed a couple of seconds in silence, as jihoon went through his fingers like he had some sort of vendetta. like he wouldn’t need them later.

soonyoung reckoned he should stop him, but honestly who was he to take away yet another thing from jihoon. he _knew_ the boy didn’t have much left.

“are you mad?” he hoped that that was what it was. “are you mad at him?”

yeah. jihoon was mad at wonwoo.

wonwoo who fucking knew better. 

wonwoo who was there every step of the way, who watched it all crash and burn. wonwoo who tried to pick jihoon’s pieces back up, only to realise too many were missing to be put back together.

wonwoo who was his fucking friend and lied to his fucking face for fucking months, apparently, and now had the fucking balls of pulling this in front of everyone on the day before seungcheol’s birthday.

“no.”

“you’re a lousy liar.” the blond sighed as he ran his hands through his face, repeatedly. “do you wanna hurt him?”

“no.” this was true.

“that’s good.” the oldest weighted. 

“i don’t wanna hurt _him_ .” doesn’t matter how much of a child he was being about this, even though he wasn’t sure he was. _he_ didn’t deserve to hurt more.

and was jihoon to march up to wonwoo and let go of over two decades of pent up anger, and frustration, and world shattering, life stopping, pain, he would.

mingyu didn’t deserve that anymore.

“good.” 

“i never wanna see him in my fucking life again.” jihoon didn’t really envision much how his life could go without wonwoo, much like as much as he despised soonyoung, he could recognised the dragonian effort the man put into pressing whatever was left of jihoon together with his bare hands that he almost resembled something human shaped again.

but then again, in the pace things were going, jihoon didn’t envision much more of a life, as it was.

“listen, hoonie… i can’t blame you.” he was mad at wonwoo himself. not as much with what he had done, but with the way he went about it, in the face of everything they’d live through. however, there was no one else. no one else to fill that place so that jihoon wouldn’t have more voids inside him than parts of himself. so that jihoon could still float. and float was all that they could really aim for. once upon a time there was seungcheol. there was seungcheol for a long time. but he was out. they all understood that, and no one in their right mind would dare point fingers, or have anything short of gratitude. seungcheol had poured so much of himself into jihoon in the early days, that sometimes the younger was surprised no part of him apparently lived inside of him still. seungcheol had earned his out. he deserved the good life he was living, he deserved the peace and quiet he got. well, as most of a peace and quiet as one can get when married to yoon jeonghan, but still. 

jisoo wasn’t an option as well. one touch and jihoon had permanently burned him. like he was poison. he wasn’t sure whether that served to attest to how gone jihoon really was, or how the older really wasn’t given the tools to deal with it. it hurt. it hurt looking at jisoo and see how desperate his eyes got whenever jihoon was concerned. how his heart dropped to his stomach and he couldn’t breath. and he couldn’t do anything. and how that just made him sick.

they grew apart quite fast after that. jihoon made sure of it. he loved jisoo too much to. 

and it went both ways.

if jihoon didn’t hear about jisoo, he didn’t wish for him. he didn’t hope for him. jisoo only existed when he was there, and that was good. jihoon was aware, that nothing hurt more than shared memories. he wanted to leave nothing behind to give his hyung pain.

junhui had never met him before. if there was even a before. which jihoon thought was good. he hated that there was a version of him still living in people’s mind that could’ve made it through. a version that he himself didn’t quite remember how it was. how much was projecting, how much was wishful thinking.

no, jun just knew this jihoon. the shell of a man. he had gathered most of the story throughout the years, through whatever breadcrumbs they had let fall on the ground. he didn’t pry. there was nothing for him to miss.

and they couldn’t drag the kids into this.

they knew. of course they knew.

but the thought of staining their hands with his blood just made jihoon think of ending it once and for all.

seungkwan’s bright eyes dull in fear. for him or of him, jihoon didn’t know, and was too afraid to ask. 

hansol was too good. he was just too good to cope. to understand. jihoon kept waiting for him to hate him, but the kid didn’t seem to know how. hansol loved with a completeness and a kindness that jihoon wasn’t worthy of.

and then there was dino. the maknae. dragged through mud, and shreds, and fire. he needed no more pain.

soonyoung just couldn’t do it alone.

jihoon wasn’t willing to help, no one was sure that he could anyway, and soonyoung hated ‘almosts’. but he just couldn’t do it alone

“i have no right to ask.” the blond debated whether to kneel. not in pleading, but in forgiveness. “but for me.” he shut his eyes, his mouth turning into a straight line, forcing the words to come out, because how could he ask this of jihoon. “please, jihoon. for me.” it was just that, he would take it. they all would. whatever it was that resembled the boy they once knew. he’d take him, whatever was left of him.

“hey, hyungs, cheollie hyung is calling us in the kitchen.” minghao propped his head on the barns door, pointing with his thumb back at the house.

“sure.” jihoon muttered, walking right past him, making minghao frown a bit, looking at soonyoung.

the blond shook his head.

“what in god’s name-” the ravenette’s brows furrowed impossibly deep and he caught a glimpse of the drawing on the banner behind his hyung.

“not now.” he begged pointing him towards the house.

  
  


...

  
  


“i can’t keep you guys here for much longer, it wouldn’t be fair.” it would. they all knew they owed much more to seungcheol than they could ever repay. but as it was, he was way too good of a hyung to hold any of them to it.

he kept on going about getting older and gratitude, nothing any of them could really pay much mind to due to the rhythmic _thump thump thump_ of jihoon’s fist where it made forceful contact with the table he was sitting at.

jaw set, eyes locked on his hyungs, a vein popping at his temple.

his other hand, where it sat on his tight, was bawled into a trembling fist.

“well,” seungcheol clasped his hands together, one of his genuine grateful tight-lipped smiles on his face. “i guess i’ll see you lot tomorrow then.”

jihoon was by the coat rack before any of them got the chance to even think.

jeonghan dropped his head with a sigh, briefly pressing his hand on his husband’s shoulder, before leaving to deal with, what was described to him as a laboratory experiment of crossing a panda with the biblical aesthetical interpretation of angels.

“hey.” jihoon heard behind him as he hastily put on his coat.

“hi.” he said without turning around to face the owner of the sweet voice. 

“i like your hair right now. i didn’t know you’d let it grow back.” he couldn’t see but jisoo motioned with his hand where once his undercut was, just at the bottom of his hair.

if jihoon was being honest, he too didn’t reckon that he had grown it back. he wasn’t exactly sure the last time he looked at himself in the mirror for anything that wasn’t brushing his teeth.

“i reckon.” the ravenette shrugged, finally managing the oh-so difficult task of putting an arm in each sleeve, and turning around to face his hyung for the first time that day.

the shorter didn’t remember to ever seen jisoo look at him with anything but worry pulling at his brows. his eyes loaded with words he would never manage to form. that he didn’t think he had the right to.

jihoon also didn’t know much about his life. last he heard the boy had moved back to the us. his company moved him, or he found a new company there, something along those lines.

his skin was tanner, where jihoon positively looked like a road kill. his hair was auburn and his piercings were gone. he looked beautiful.

how sad it was, to jisoo’s eyes, to see one of the people he loved the most, withering away.

all the time and distance between them meant that every time they met, all the changes jihoon had gone through seemed all that more drastic.

jisoo wondered if once more jihoon had given up on eating. he hoped soonyoung could force him to since wonwoo was evidently no longer an option.

he stored that on his head for later. after the party.

some talk about accountability and trust and lie by omission and whatnot.

but jihoon was as jihoon was, and jihoon got special treatment. 

“i’m in town for the month because of paid leave,” he answered a question jihoon would never ask. “do you wanna, maybe, go back to mine and catch a movie or something?”

“i can’t, sorry.” he could. he shouldn’t. 

because jihoon knew how that would end. what he would unavoidably convince jisoo into doing. like he did all the times before. like the pattern they could never break together.

not only cause jihoon didn’t deserve that, anymore. he didn’t deserve his touch, his affection, his care. but also because fucking jisoo pliant into a matress and living the next morning wasn’t a thing that good friends did.

jihoon would take, and take, and take, and never give anything back, to anyone, ever. he’d lose himself in jisoo, hurting mingyu in the process as well, and all for what?

because he was lonely? because he was used to? because unlike with mingyu, jisoo looked so beautiful when he was broken and perhaps jihoon had sat across soonyoung for too long when they were kids because sometimes he too liked to watch the sparkle inside something burn and die.

jisoo nodded, in silent accord that it was also for the best. “well, i’ll see you tomorrow then.”

and jihoon was to go to his cold, empty house. to be alone again, with his deafening thoughts and his quiet loud music.

to not drink himself to sleep because he just couldn’t do that anymore.

to ignore his mother’s calls yet again go into his soundproof booth and yell until his throat was sore, not even minding how much shit seungkwan would probably give him for it.

jihoon would not text soonyoung back and he would definitely not reply to the thousands of apologies and “please let’s talk”s wonwoo sent his way.

he would send a “fuck you and your design idea” to jeonghan’s complains about the botched panda banner.

one time jihoon cut his hand so badly, he could see his bone from under all the gushing blood. he remembered shoving a finger inside the wound and poking around just to see if he could.

he reckoned that was telling of his self-destructive willpower. and how he kept comparing the previous 6 months of mingyu and wonwoo’s instagram posts.

he needed to pinpoint exactly when he lost it.

he didn’t know whether to be more frustrated or not that they left no trace.

for a second he pondered hating mingyu. like the thought of it wasn’t the epitome of his stupidity. like he ever really could.

but he tried to be rational about it for but a second. tried to reason with himself whether, were he capable of having anything but _need_ for mingyu, would he be justified in hating him given the situation at hand.

his eyes that day flashed into his mind.

red with tears neither could say which of the terrible events they originated from.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t know.” he wiped them away furiously as he shook his head, as his body trembled.

jihoon couldn’t feel his extremities. he didn’t remember where he was on the previous 5 days, but he would never forget that moment.

as _mingyu_ apologised _to him_.

“hyung, i’m sorry.” the younger sobbed the words out, like jihoon wasn’t the monster.

the fact that jihoon only finally dragged mingyu to his wits’ end _after_ that occasion was the reason why, no matter how many years could pass, whatever mingyu could possibly do, jihoon could never look his way with anything short of repentance.

everything that jihoon was _craved_ for mingyu.

sometimes, on the good days, if jihoon closed his eyes and concentrated just enough, and the breeze blowing past him was just right, he could reach out his fingers and feel mingyu’s hair threading between them.

sometimes he would dream of his smile.

in those days jihoon would wish he were never to wake up.

but he didn’t deserve that.

he didn’t deserve anything.

  
  


....

  
  


“a gift?” cheol smiled as the party buzzed around him.

were this their college days, jihoon would be on his 4th beer and 5th shot of vodka by the time he found seungcheol, the gift long forgotten on a surface, and far removed from jihoon’s mind.

“a proper one, i reckon.” the younger shrugged.

they _were_ grown up. even if jihoon didn’t act like one. seungcheol definitely was.

as he unwrapped the paper to show an electronic corkscrewer, seungcheol left out a delighted chuckle.

“wen junhui suggested it, so if you don’t like it, take it up to him.” being away from drinking for 2 years at that point and never really been into wine himself, jihoon wasn’t aware of any positive sides for such device. however, once having it brought to his attention on a discussion over birthday gifts with junhui, jihoon was immediately thrown back to their sophomore year at college. 

just before the end. as mingyu grew into the beautiful men he was making himself to be, sat on the floor between jihoon’s legs, exclaiming at the device on his phone screen, with promises that one day, in their house they would have a wine cooler and electronic corkscrewer.

the memory, at that time, drove jihoon to the bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach onto the sink, which, granted, wasn’t much.

“no, this is great! i love it! thanks hoonie.” the hug he was pulled into felt all sorts of uncomfortable and wrong where it used to feel like home.

jihoon quickly pat his back, as a motion to be let go of. 

“yeah, yeah. go enjoy your party with your husband and your married friends.” his back was turned and he was walking away aimlessly before he could see the worrying glance jihoon was sure to be thrown his way. 

for all that cheol was close, he was as away from jihoon as jisoo was. the younger made sure of that.

getting married, getting a house, it didn’t necessarily imply letting go of friends. jihoon knew that.

but cheol earned his peace and quiet. 

jihoon was poison. he would not make a martyr out of seungcheol.

“thanks.” jeonghan had said on their first wedding anniversary. 

through the cloudiness of the gyn in his bloodstream jihoon had frowned, barely even able to make out his hyung’s shape.

not only was he not aware of what jeonghan was referring to, but being thanked was most definitely not something he was used to. 

“hm?”

“keeping your distance. allowing us for making it work.” _oh_ , jihoon thought, _that_. 

with a crooked chuckle he raised his glass before finishing its content. he was too far gone at that point to have noticed the way jeonghan’s mouth pulled as he looked up in pain, trying to stop himself from crying.

soonyoung was, as of it, nowhere to be seen. seokmin was still too terrified of being left alone with jihoon. the kids were getting tipsy on the patio, and he probably shouldn’t look for jisoo.

he puffed his cheeks, being reminded once more that when you spend the majority of your youth spiralling out of control, it’s hard to keep people around.

his group of friends was not merely that, but most likely 90% of the people he knew.

he didn’t know exactly when he made himself out to be a pariah, but it was honestly pathetic at his old age.

he guessed he could consider 26 old age when you weren’t supposed to live past 22.

“you could talk to people if your face didn’t scream ‘i’ll murder you’, you reckon?” jihoon froze in his spot, his hand tightening around the glass of fizzy drink he grabbed from one of the waiters as he paced around the house. he pondered if he could get away, if not throwing it at wonwoo’s face, at least with letting go of a bit of anger smashing it against the wall. 

he reckoned, yet again, that seungcheol deserved better, so he opted for just trotting out of the house instead, trying to put as much space as he possibly could between himself and wonwoo without actively leaving the party.

“jihoon, wait.” he heard the man call out after him alongside with ‘i’m sorry’s and excuses about trying to find the right time or the right way, that jihoon would probably be able to reason with in a moment where the topic didn’t felt so sore as it did at the moment.

when his arm was grabbed and his body yanked a bit back, he threw the contents of his glass in the taller man’s face as a substitute for throttling him in front of eye witnesses.

he didn’t stay long to deal with the repercussions of that as the gasps of disbelief and surprise started sounding around them, making his way to the forest nearby the house.

he pressed his palms against one of the trees, trying to do the breathing exercises he learned on the one time he accepted going to a therapist.

he couldn’t remember if it was inhale for 3 seconds, hold for 5 and exhale for 4, or whatever the order was, so he just did it arbitrarily.

as he closed his eyes, yanking his jacket out of him, his mind flashed with scenes of wonwoo.

mostly the boy pulling him away from edges. 

he felt his eyes burn with tears and he furiously wiped them away as he remembered thrashing around the ravenette’s arms, yelling bloody murder, both of them crying as they never did before.

he had basically physically attacked wonwoo.

a cold hand pressed on his temple as jihoon shifted uncomfortably on the couch, licking his lips like it would stop them from cracking and bleeding. wonwoo too, hadn’t slept in over a week alongside him by that point.

jihoon let out a wail that he was pretty sure could be heard from the house, but he didn’t care about that in that moment.

dino found found him minutes, maybe half and hour or more later, sitting on a rock, his head resting on his knees, and he reckoned it was better than the scene he envisioned in his mind that included fetal position and a bloodied patch of grass.

_little steps_ , he thought as the gracelessly wiped the space of the rock besides his hyung with his hand to sit on it.

“they sent you to find me?” jihoon asked, without moving an inch from his position, making the brunette chuckle. 

“nah,” despite knowing the older wouldn’t see dino shook his head “yubin was asking for her uncle jihoonie so i reckoned i might as well be the rescue party this time, no fees necessary.” jihoon scoffed at the notion that somebody would actually pay to have him found. 

“is she good?”

“yeah, she’s fine. she had a bit of a fever yesterday but it cooled down by the time i went back home.” despite knowing that he probably shouldn’t, jihoon couldn’t help but be invested in the wee lassie’s life.

he was nothing more to her then the wee uncle with the whole lot of musical instruments at his place, and jihoon would much prefer to leave it at that.

she was objectively the only person in his life that would never need to know what happened, and jihoon absolutely adored her for it.

“it wasn’t that bad, you know?!” at that, jihoon peaked up in curiosity, one of his eyebrows arched in question.

“hm?”

“the tantrum you threw.” dino motioned with his head towards the direction that the house was. “back in the day i would’ve feared you stabbing him in the eye or something of the sort, but pepsi on his primark shirt?! honestly hyung you were more badarse before.” it was dino’s turn to earn a chuckle. they stayed in silence for a couple of seconds. “honestly hyung, no one’s blaming you. out of every outcome possible, i’d say this is the preferred one by a whole mile.” the boy reasoned with him. “so stay here until we can be sure that it won’t be necessary to call the coppers here tonight, and go back to have jeonghan hyung disapprovingly glance at you for over an hour.” he rolled his eyes making jihoon smile for the first time in what felt days. “now, i gotta go try to convince yubin that the orange of her juice would look _so good_ with the brown on her uncle wonwoo’s shirt.” dino wiggled his eyebrows at jihoon before getting up.

“hey,” jihoon called out as the younger patted out his bottom. dino looked at him with a raised brow. “i reckon i never told you how good of a job you did raising her, and how proud we all are of the man you’ve become.”

“c’mon...” he rolled his eyes, amused. “don’t get all mushy on me now, hyung.” he winked at the oldest before he left.

a couple more minutes passed before jihoon started feeling cold, but he did not yet want to make it back to the party and deal with soonyoung pretending he did not find his earlier actions extremely amusing, so he opted instead to go to the barn.

which proved to be a horrible decision, as he stood frozen at the door frame, looking at the man inside, who had his back turned to him.

“jeonghan hyung said it was too ugly to be seen by anyone else, so he’d leave it here until he could get rid of it without any witnesses.” mingyu tilted his head. “he said it sombrily like he was talking about disposing of a body.” the man finally turned around, making jihoon swallow dry. 

he didn’t look at mingyu. at least not in person.

not anymore.

it wasn’t unheard of them being in the same room together given jihoon’s very short list of acquantainces, but there was never really any interaction. not directly at least.

“you could’ve asked for my help, you know?!” he couldn’t.

“i had it handled.” jihoon wasn’t entirely sure whether he should leave and go back to the house, if he should come inside the barn or stay on the threshold as he was.

mingyu rolled his eyes at his words.

“you reckon, you can’t do everything on your own.” mingyu was kind, always. 

he was light, and laughter, and warmth.

mingyu was the whole world.

jihoon wouldn’t blame if there was a bite to his words, but it was just never there.

ever.

“i know.”

“oh, do you?” the younger raised a skeptical eyebrow, while pointing behind him, towards the atrocity hanging on the wall.

“i was-” he searched his mind for an explanation that didn’t sound too much like horseshit even to his own ears.

“angry?” his eyes snapped back to mingyu’s face. his expression completely blank and unreadable, where before jihoon could read even the faintest of pulls at his mouth. “is that why you did that to hyung out there?”

suddenly jihoon was hot all over again.

“that was nothing.” he got out through gritted teeth, even though he didn’t agree with his own words.

mingyu shook his head.

“you’re unbelievable.”

“excuse me?” jihoon raised his voice. “i’m unbelievable? the man who was supposed to be my best friend, the one who was there for fucking everything has been going around my back for half an year, and i’m the unbelievable one?”

“this has nothing to do with you, jihoon.”

“ _the hell_ it hasn’t.” the ravenette yelled, throwing his arms around. “it was with you. not anyone else. _you_. and he knows it.” he pointed his arms toward the house besides him.

“so what? so what it is me? it’s been over half a decade since you and i have barely even exchanged words.” mingyu laughed bitterly. “shouldn’t you be more shocked, or upset, or whatever, if he were dating jisoo hyung?”

jihoon swallowed dry and directed his glance towards the floor.

“jisoo has nothing to do with this.” he said in a normal voice, hoping it didn’t sound much like an excuse.

“oh he doesn’t _now_ , does he?” the younger chuckled dry making jihoon flinch.

there weren’t memories of those last moments that didn’t feel like a hundred thousand prickly needles running through his bloodstream.

“no. it doesn’t. it has to do with him lying to me. lying to me about _you_.”

“first of all, he didn’t lie-”

“lie by omission, just the same!” jihoon yelled, cutting him mid sentence. 

“second of all, i am nothing to you anymore.” mingyu yelled back, bloodshot eyes that he himself wasn’t aware if out of anger, or sadness. 

“you’re the love of my fucking life.” somehow jihoon managed to sob those words out. it wasn’t like it wasn’t true. or like the man, or everyone else, didn’t know. but it was the first time, ever since then, that jihoon said that out loud.

“stop fucking lying.” mingyu screamed at him, finally losing his carefully put together composure. “you don’t love me. you never loved me. you only love yourself.”

jihoon shook his head violently, as he slowly made his way inside the barn.

“no. no. no, no. that’s not true. i love you. it’s always been you.”

“you made our lives a living hell because you refused to get treatment.” mingyu started counting on his fingers as jihoon kept muttering how much he mattered to him. how it was all true, always. “you treated me like absolute trash, cause you’d much rather get wasted than be a fucking decent human being.”

“mingyu, please, listen to me, it was never about you-” he approached the boy, much like someone would approach a wounded animal at the side of the road. one of his hands reaching out, letting him be aware of his proximity. jihoon didn’t believe he deserved to touch mingyu, or explain anything to him, but the boy needed to know that he was loved. deeply. more than anyone in this world ever would be. that he still was loved. that no one, in the entire universe would ever love anyone as much as lee jihoon loved kim mingyu.

mingyu needed to know that loving him in one lifetime was not nearly enough, so that jihoon was sure that he had loved him before, and would continue to love him as long as any shred of his soul remained alive in this universe.

“you left me alone in the hospital as my mum laid there dying to go on a binge!” and there it was. the one thing mingyu had never used against him.

the one thing that jihoon would never find forgiveness for. not in himself, not in mingyu. definitely not it the lord.

jihoon felt his legs buckle beneath him.

he had never heard so much pain and despair in mingyu’s voice. or anyone else’s at that matter. 

“and then _you_ broke up _with me_ but a week later, kindly letting me know that we were not working as it was, cause i was _oh_ so unsuportive and that if you wanted a good fuck you could just ask fucking jisoo for one.” tears were streaming down his face faster than they had that day.

mingyu had been on his knees, pleading, _begging_ , that jihoon didn’t do this. that, he too, didn’t leave mingyu alone.

and even so. the man that stood in front of jihoon right now, seemed way more broken, and hurt, and confused, and just utterly, completely done.

like it took 5 years for him to process what went down. because it didn’t make sense.

not in this life.

in this life jihoon loved mingyu like he was from a time where love could save the world.

in this life jihoon looked at mingyu everytime, like he was seeing colours for the first time.

because somehow mingyu and jihoon were always meant to be. from the very first day.

and them not being together was some sort of cosmical imbalance, that would freeze worlds, or melt them down.

like their love _would_ save the world

“mingyu.” jihoon let out in a sob, not exactly sure if a plea or a prayer.

“ _what?_ ” and jihoon relised then that he didn’t deserve excuses.

he didn’t deserve saying that he wanted mingyu so much, sometimes he was afraid he would consume him whole.

he loved mingyu so much that when they touched, jihoon hoped they would just melt together, and finally become one.

because mingyu was everything jihoon missed his whole entire life.

like their souls were created together, and the split in half. and that neither of them would ever be whole without each other.

and because of that, jihoon knew mingyu would never let go.

his love and his devotion were more powerful than anything men could create.

but jihoon knew he deserved better.

better than what he was.

better than what he amounted himself to be.

so mingyu needed to let go of him.

and to do that, jihoon would need to hurt him without repair.

the only thing is, the person that was hurt the most, when mingyu was in pain, was jihoon.

so he sacrificed himself.

he reckoned, it was a good exchange.

his life, for mingyu’s freedom.

so he would do it. he’d bear all the pain in the world, and he would do it standing, if it meant mingyu’s life could go on, with just the love and peace that he deserved.

mingyu’s mum had asked jihoon, to make sure her son would never suffer when she was gone.

he promised himself that this would be the last time as he said, “i’m sorry.”

mingyu chuckled humorlessly. his face scrunching up in pain.

the brunette shook his head.

“if this is your love you can keep it.” mingyu all but spat on his face. “it has never brought me anything but pain.” he shoved his way past jihoon, out of the barn.

jihoon’s knees finally gave out, leaving him on the floor.

  
  


jihoon reckoned that it was enough. that it was far more than he deserved.

to have loved and be loved by mingyu.

and perhaps they couldn’t save the world.

but jihoon’s love could save mingyu.

and jihoon would gladly set worlds on fire to save mingyu.

jihoon had an inkling towards seeing things burning.

he reckoned it would be ok, to lit himself on fire, if it means mingyu’s path would continue to shine bright ahead.

**Author's Note:**

> hya, wrote this in a midnight spur of the moment prompted by a friend's suggestion of a plot. i've always wanted to give it a shot at mango and jihoon so. here goes nothing. hope you lot didn't hate me??? i'm over at @manulem drawing and shitposting if you lot wanna be friends, idk.


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